I pre-registered at the hospital today. As my due date draws ever near I’ve spent more and more time arranging for his arrival. All my newborn clothes are washed and ready, and a huge box of tiny diapers and wipes sits by the changing table waiting to be useful.
A friend asked me yesterday how I think about all that has happened during this pregnancy; “did the doctors make a mistake? Was the concern all for nothing?” If I’m going to be honest, I have absolutely never felt like it was all for nothing. The doctors saw abnormalities that were real and measurable, but either, 1) they were wrong about the cause of those irregularities, or 2) God miraculously re-arranged my little boy’s body and healed him. In either case, I know that the purpose of having experienced those months of concern and uncertainty, of preparing for the death of my baby before ever having met him, of grieving over the life of a little boy I so desperately wanted, was to draw me close to my Savior.
Never before have I felt such urgency & desperation and yet such complete inability to fix something.
Never before have I felt so helpless and weak and needy and desperate all at the same time.
And yet, never before has God been so comforting to my broken heart, so steady in His care for me, and so evidently near.
Never before have I tasted that the Lord is good (Ps 34:8), experienced joy in His mere presence (Ps. 16:11), and known the comfort of His love like I have over these past months.
I KNOW that my God is good, and I learned this lesson during the days where I thought I was going to lose my precious baby boy and He sustained me with His love for me.
And I KNOW that my God is near, and I learned that in the restless moments when my heart nearly overwhelmed me with grief, and He breathed hope into my heart through the promise that He would never leave me nor forsake me (Heb. 13:5).
I believe that I would not have learned these two very important truths nearly as well were it not for the dark days and the painful moments. I would not cherish my Savior & Comforter so dearly had I not known sorrow. And even though the doctors have assured me that my son is out of harm’s way, I have learned to put my confidence in the unshakeable person of Jesus Christ who upholds me with His righteous right hand, rather than in the weak speculations of finite people.
I don’t know what the future holds for my beloved son, but I know Who holds the future – and He is all that I need