At 38 weeks pregnant, I had my (assumedly) last ultrasound yesterday. Today my doctor reviewed the results with me.
Though two of the three problems on my little baby boy’s body have completely disappeared, there still remains a problem with his kidneys. And in the words of my doctor, the “problem has become even more pronounced than before.” My doctor assured me that this sort of problem is not reflective of a genetic defect, but it is indicative of a developmental complication that cannot be sufficiently diagnosed or addressed until my son is born.
Because of the nature of his problem, they decided to perform a “stress test” on my little darling to affirm that he is doing well in utero, and he passed the test with flying colors. So long as he continues to pass the “stress test,” they will allow me to carry him until he makes a natural arrival (up to 2 weeks post due-date). After birth, they will perform an ultrasound on him directly to discern exactly what is wrong and how to address it.
My joy at seeing his chubby, little face on the foggy ultrasound machine screen mixes with maternal concern for my unborn son. As a mother, I want to care for my boy, protect him, and shelter him from harm, but as a finite human being, I realize that I simply don’t have the ability to rescue him from all of life’s pain. With every wiggle and kick my precious little boy makes in my tummy comes a yearning for him to be alright, and the realization that I cannot make it be alright. This has been one of the most difficult, but necessary, lesson for me to learn.
I am not strong or able, but I serve a God who is both.
I tremble at a future that I do not know, but I worship a God who knows and controls the future.
I am learning dependence on the Lord, yet I am so very slow to learn. But God is faithful to remind me. In His goodness, God has worked in my heart, while simultaneously healing so much of my little boy’s body. Both of these things are equally miraculous. Both of these things ought to move me to praise Him. I am slowly realizing that fear is a foolish feeling because I know that the Lord is good. And fear is foolish because I know that God has always sustained me through every one of life’s challenges.
“The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord! (Psalm 27:1, 13-14)”