I fell in love with you the day you died

To my littlest baby,

I met you on the day that I lost you. I didn’t know you were mine until I learned that you were already gone. I experienced the grief of losing you before I was even allowed the joy of having you. But God gave you to me, and you had life. You are my precious child, and I already love you.

But how badly I wanted you! I wanted to feel you kick, get morning sickness for you, and lose sleep over you. I wanted you to know the tickle of daddy’s beard, be cuddled by your brothers, and feel your grandparents’ extravagant love. But most of all, I wanted you to live so we could know you, love you, and teach you all about the beauty of our good God.

And even though we will never get to describe the boundless and eternal love of God to you, my darling little baby, we can proclaim the love of God because of this you. As we mourn your death, we will praise God for His promise that pain is not meaningless and that He is faithfully working all things together for our good (Rom 8:28). When I cry a little more than usual, and I miss you fiercely, I can remind your brothers that my love for you is only a tiny tiny picture of the great love that our heavenly Father has lavished on us, calling us children of God (1 john 3:1). And when I wonder why you didn’t flourish and thrive inside of my body, I can sing Psalm 73:26, “though my heart and my flesh may fail me, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” And when your brothers ask me why you died, I can tell them with certainty that the God who loves in measure beyond our understanding determined that this great sadness would be a good way to demonstrate his love for us. God is abundantly good and He will never forsake us (Heb 13:5).

My little baby, how desperately I want you here with us, but I trust God – who knit you together inside of my womb only 8 short weeks ago – to have a far better plan for your life than I could ever dream of. His love is perfect and, in His wisdom, He has taken you from us. We miss you, and we love you, but we are praising God for the blessing of your very short life. We entrust you to His goodness and we surrender your soul to His care.

love always,

-Mom

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